Why Jamie M. Does This Work

The Problem Was (and is) Me 

Why, after so many years of sobriety, did I drink again?  I’ve been back in AA, ten years now and over the years I’ve had a lot of time to put serious thought to the question.  It would have been easy to answer: “I stopped going to meetings,” because I did that, or: “I quit listening to my sponsor,” and any other concerned friend or family member, because I did that.  But I felt the question deserved an answer that got down to the root causes of why I stopped going to meetings and listening to my sponsor, etc.  So, I kept asking why again and again until, to my astonishment, I found that my journey towards another drink began in my fifth year of “sobriety.”

I originally came to AA in February of 1968.  I stayed sober a little over a year then drank again and finally got sober on 20 July 1973.  George was my first sponsor in AA and, with his guidance, for the first time, I worked the Steps.  As I looked back, AA in general and George specifically gave me more than I was ever willing to acknowledge, as did others who cared about me and were invested in my sobriety.  The process of doing the Steps took about a year.

Like many who come to the Programme I felt I was one of those sicker than others as mentioned in the Big Book (and maybe now looking at my life, I may have been right).  This meant that sober I was haunted by depression, anxiety, terminal self righteousness and close mindedness.  But with my sponsor’s help through the Steps even I finally had “a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps” and I soon began to “practise these principles in all of my affairs.”

“Having just made conscious contact with God,” I decided I needed a new sponsor, one who had what I wanted—financial success.  The answer to all my problems—NOT.  On his demise I then decided what was needed was a sponsor with a handle on the techniques of positive thinking.  It seems I would discard sponsors to suit whatever I wanted at the time.  All of these sponsors were wonderful and gave me support, whether or not I still lived with the main problem of the addicted; “Selfish, self-centred, that we think is the root of our problem.”

Prior to this original spiritual awakening (not unlike Bill Ws, was of the instantaneous, flash of light variety) I had spent most of my life in misery, that of the thinking and perception kind, except when drunk.  To be sober and free of the misery brought about by my own thinking and deeds was quite a change.  It was simple the Programme worked when I worked it.

When that sponsor left town, George was graciously accepting my calls as a my sponsor again, in spite of my forays into other technologies for change and personal development.  As things were going well, I became more and more cock sure of myself (spiritual pride), megalomania and delusions of grandeur crept into the way I perceived myself in spite of suggestions of prudence and moderation.  When I began to take credit for what success I did have—my now determined wilfulness led to financial ruin.  The loss of my company was a monumental blow to my ego (now full-blown again) and instead of throwing myself back into the programme and my Sponsors guidance, where I truly had been spiritually guided, I lost all touch with reality.  I became an insistence that I was right about the choices I made and nobody was going to prove otherwise.  My sponsor, my partner and one of my best friends and business relationships I ever had, I no longer followed any guidance.  Over the years, I lost my spiritual contact with a Power Greater than myself and could not understand why everything was falling apart or why I was so miserable.

All the friendships and business relationships that had been built in that period were destroyed or very badly damaged, including my family and my sponsor.  They wouldn’t listen to me so they were gone (f—‘m).  I had many sponsors during that time, looking for someone to see my righteousness.  My insistence on being right about the choices I had made left me with that, just that, being right (and I thought I could prove it if you would just listen to me).

I ended up again where I was before I had first worked the Steps; I was raging, confused and looking for a quick fix to my situation.  I was going to get mine, lawfulness, morals; nothing was going to stand in the way of me getting all the money I had lost and more.

I would love to be able to report that after a short time, or even a few years, of pain and inventory I again got back on course.  But that’s not what happened.  Seventeen years from the date of the fateful meeting, where I made the decision that I was right and everyone there (including my sponsor) were wrong, that eventually closed my business I drank again.  As I look back, being right about my decision was the most important thing in my life and I didn’t know it.  The longer I was right the further down I went.  The longer I was right the more selfish I became.

I divorced my AA wife (she dared to disagree with me too) of course she became part of the problem (in my mind).  I sent my kids all over the country with my stupidity and selfishness so that I could be free to do what I wanted.  I lost many friendships over business deals where my main concern was always about what I could get and no longer about helping others (as George and the programme had taught me).  I was scrambling to get back what I thought was mine taken by those that disagreed with me.  When actually I never had done it at all, it was the programme and God that had so freely given it all to me and I squandered it.

I approached many AAs who were willing to help me.  Two very well know people in Southern California (one now passed away), in turn I asked for their sponsorship, they agreed.  But did I listen? No!  They just couldn’t accept that I was right.  It seems I was “constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself.”  In hind sight I am astounded at the quality and quantity of help that I was freely given over the years – only to reject it all on the altar of being right.

Sponsors spent weeks and months listening to reams of inventories.  Each time I’d think that maybe this time I’d get the relief I once had (and I now see that I squandered).  Many, many times I would be told to surrender and never knew how.  Today it seems simple to me.  I must be willing to be wrong—here comes the clincher, wait for it—even when I’m right.

I have learned that I can’t be right with all of the attendant self righteous feelings and be spiritual and I can’t be right and be honest.  I have found (for me) that this is the purpose in AA—to have people that I trust, that have no hidden agenda other than my well being at heart as a sober member of society.  People like George, who yes takes my calls again as my sponsor, and many others to check my brainstorms with—I am, “then in much less danger of excitement, fear anger worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.”  The trick is to listen to others when everything inside of me says I’m right and you’re wrong.

If I had listened to the simple suggestions that were given to me instead of discounting them for what was in my head it would have saved many, many years of pain.  It is easy to follow suggestions when I agree with them but as my present wife points out to me: “I’ve never had anyone in AA who practices the principles and attendant Steps suggest anything that was harmful to me.”  The greatest harm to my life has always come directly from my own brilliant ideas.

After that first five years, it took 17 years of roller coaster AA (though I went to 1000’s of meetings and did lots of inventories I just wouldn’t let go of being right) and drinking again for two and half years to see my part in all of this.  My sobriety date is now 17 April 1997.  Thank God I’m back.

The more I learn (because I am still constantly studying the programme) the less I see that I know.  And that is a good thing.

Jamie M

January 2008